Moab Cloud Rock Development

Dear concerned,

Cloud Rock? Some things are obvious, aren't they? We already have a beautiful quasi-complete chair lift as lasting monument to our sharp-as-a-tax local government. We already have lovely quarries and irrigation projects embellishing the approach to town from either direction to welcome our beauty-starved guests. Well-meaning folks who came here yesterday are desperately trying to slam the door behind them, while they grab the tourist buck and gripe about the tourists. Boom or busters are busy putting a silk hat on our pig in order to look like a perspective Telluride or Aspen, which we are.

Let's roll out our radioactive red carpet for the rich twits with an "environmental" alternative that will not only save Johnson's Up on Top to be developed later as low-cost housing and/or a stinking industrial park, but will satisfy the poverty-lovers, the "look at me, I'm an environmentalist," pajama people, the cigarette-smoking speed freak laborers, and the sneaky, lying greedy investors. We need a housing development for the super rich that pays us big taxes, allows us to soak the crap out of these wealthy snots, and provides a belly laugh every time we pass by it. To bring the Californicating high flyers, cactus huggers, and low-rent valley dwellers together, and get our next highly visible White Elephant underway, I propose, "Cloud o' Dust, the Riverside Development at Atlas' Up on Top."

City government needs tax dollars. Rich folks have to look and feel superior. In order for this deal to work it has to be in town, placed in an extremely scenic location away from and "above" the proletariat. So, we have to move the city line three miles to the north to include the Atlas tailings pile, the most scenic piece of real estate in the valley. Let's get that sucker into city residential zoning ASAP. If we hurry, we can pocket cash being used to move it and build a bypass to get those smelly trucks carting nuclear waste out of our hair. Let's plant trees and grass up there, and put the Cloud o' Dust development where the birds soar way high and hair falls out in a hurry. The views at Atlas Up on Top are truly awesome—the Colorado River, the Moab Valley, the La Sal Mountains, the Moab Rim, the Portal, Gold Bar Rim, Arches National Park and Swiss Cheese Ridge—the best anywhere in a populated area! Marketing it as a scenic riverside project will be a piece of cake, and if we shut up about the radiation and arsenic, fat cats from NYC will eat it up for $500K a half acre.

Zoning, water and sewer are dead simple and as inexpensive as anywhere in the valley. Just pump water up from the upstream side and gravity will carry the odorless Upper Class poo back to the river on the downstream end. The developer could even build a beach along the river at the bottom of the "hill." When the beach gets removed by flood waters, the bourgeois will cough up beaucoup cash to replace it, creating more work for folks moaning for toxic industrial work. Security for the gated community at Cloud o' Dust on Atlas' Up on Top will be a no brainer. Radiation will keep intelligent burglars from preying on the tumorous super rich. A padlock and "beware of dog" sign will keep out the rest. And to keep our town's character intact, zoning regulations will require one backhoe in the FRONT yard, along with a 30-year-old trailer, rusty dead car, washing machine and pile of random debris.

If you don't think this idea is feasible, know that it worked in Boulder, Colo., where the town's most expensive homes rest at the mouth of Boulder Creek on the most exclusive uranium tailings pile in the country. The resulting neighborhood has the highest per-capita income and cancer rate in Boulder County. Folks stand in line to pay more than the asking price every time one of these lovely scenic homes comes on the market. It is perfect in every way. The rich get to live above the lowly working folks in the plains. Their huge homes are conspicuous from the road, allowing them to gloat in full view . . . and the less fortunate get the satisfaction of watching wealthy people with nice teeth and plastic surgery get cancer a few years before they do.

—"That guy,"

Lee "Natural" Bridgers


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